Active Listening | Lent Prep | Easter Prep

Here is a guide on how to encourage active listening in your household.

Set the Stage for Success

If you try to start a conversation while the other person is focused on work or doing chores, you may not have their full attention and they may not be able to actively listen to your comments.

• Instead of jumping in with your thought, try: "Do you have a few seconds. I need you sitting down and hearing me."

• Suggest a zone for conversation where you know a conversation requiring actively listening may occur, or where you need to go if your friend, family or spouse says “Do you have a few seconds?”

Use "I" Statements to Lower Defenses

Remember to use the I statements during active listening and active conversations.

Instead of...	Try...
"You never listen to me."	"I’m feeling lonely when we talk lately, can we change the way we are talking to each other?"
"Stop interrupting me."	"I like to form my thoughts as I speak, when I’m interrupted, I lose the train of thought.  Could you count to ten before talking in response to make sure I’m done with my thought.”

Explicitly Define the Goal

Often, people don't listen actively because they think their job is to fix the problem. If you just need to vent, tell them that upfront so that they can listen and give the appropriate response.

• The "Support vs. Solution" Prompt: Start by saying, "I want you to listen to how I feel and respond letting me know you heard how I feel. 

Model the Behavior

Sometimes the best way to teach active listening is to be an Olympic-level listener yourself. When they speak:

• Reflect back: "So what I’m hearing is that you have a lot on your plate, and it’s making you feel overwhelmed. Is that right?"

• Ask questions that lead to a conversation:  “ I looked at the calendar, would you like to plan one of our weekends? I have been collecting interesting _______.  Let’s look at the websites and pick one. 

A Quick Reality Check: 

If you’ve tried these steps and the other person consistently refuses to engage or dismisses your feelings, the issue might be a lack of effort or emotional attachment rather than a lack of skill. If you are in a committed relationship, please consider counseling to improve your relationship.