How to have a post Argument Conversation | Lent Prep | Easter Prep |
The goal of the conversation is to focus on how your relationship and conversation system broke down and ended up in an argument.
1. An Active Consent
Never focus on anything that is more than what the argument was about and in your appointment setting email, explain what you feel needs to be reviewed. If you are still in defensive mood, any mention of certain elements of the argument will feel like a second round of the argument and may escalate an emotional response.
The Approach: "I’ve been thinking about what happened earlier. I'd love to understand better why it happened so we have a better communication result in our next disagreement.
The "Exit" Clause: If they say no, respect it immediately. and ask them to set a time for a discussion or, a time for another email regarding the issue before a meeting. This builds safety for when they are ready.
2. Focus on the "Third Entity"
Stop looking at the fight as You vs. Him/Her. Instead understand that a conflict occurs over certain topics and focus on understanding and improving your discussions with the person.
| Instead of saying... | Try saying... |
| "Why do you have to be so mean when I ask you to do a chore. | "It felt like our communication isn't working regarding our living arrangements. |
| "Telling me to shut up is like slapping me." | "I noticed when you don't want to talk about something, you don't call a time out but instead insult me. Can we work on this for our future conversations?" |
3. Use the "Information, Not Persuasion" Rule
The goal of your scheduled meeting is data collection, not winning the argument under review.
The "What" over "Why": "Why" might feel like an accusation. "What" may feel like an inquiry. prepare phrases and write them down to make sure your meeting isn't an interrogation. "Why did you raise your voice? Did my words hit a past memory?"
The Perception Gap: "I would like to share my version and I know it may be different than yours. I feel if we share our versions, we can find where we have a conflict in our discussion."
4. Own Your "Contribution Margin"
Arguments are rarely 100% one person's fault but may be a bunch of toe stamping. By leading with a mistake you know you made, you let the other person know that it isn't 100 percent their fault.
"I’m sorry for that I expressed my annoyance on my face in a drastic way. Once I did that, I know I triggered something. I'm not sure how to avoid being so dramatic. Do you mind recording our next argument just so I can explain why I start getting dramatic. I need some reference to explain it to you." Do you want to go through our last argument and see if we can remember where it went wrong?"
5. Establish a "Safe Word" for the Review
If your discussion over the argument starts getting heated again, you need a pre-agreed-upon way to pause for 24 hours without mentioning the discussion.
6. Summarize with a "Next Time" Protocol
A review is useless if it doesn't change future behavior. End the argument conversation by distilling the lesson into a simple "If/Then" statement for future arguments to be placed in your relationship book.
"If we feel ourselves getting that angry again, then we agree to take a break separately before continuing."
